Time will tell... Only time can tell... Pt. 2

Something happens when you lose someone you love.
Then, things don't happen anymore because you lost them...

My cousin would have turned 26 today. I won't be able to call him and wish him a happy birthday on the 21st like I used to... for some reason always 3 days late. Won't have anymore 3hr conversations with him about how he thought 2Pac still ruled the hip hop world, while I was building cases for some of my favorite rappers alive. No more talking about break beats I had heard he could probably have sampled to complete the vibe of his latest verse he read out loud. No more discussing movies we just saw and how we would make them a whole lot better by changing the script, actors, location, etc...

No more uplifting each other to act on concepts, ideas & projects that were sitting in the back of each other's minds to make them become reality. No more making him listen to music through my busted phone ("can you hear it now?").
No more sharing of childhood memories of when we were snot-nose kids running around in the backyard or in the park from sun up to sun down. And a whole lot more.
26 yrs old... So much taken away... I wanted to share stories with his kids about how we had it good when we were young. I wanted him to show my kids how to pop & lock, be quickwitted and talk slick. I wonder if... he looks down at us... what is he thinking... will I ever know... He believed in me. And I believed in him. Happy Birthday Vicky! Hope ur celebrating up there with Grandmanman, my godfather Zachary and all of them
RIP - George Veildersheen Labranche (1980-2006) aka Vicky

"When I die, I hope to be A better man than you thought I could be" - Motherlode

"Save a place in heaven 'til the next time we meet forever!" - Jay-Z

"Dear momma don't cry, your baby boy's doin good
Tell the homies I'm in heaven and they ain't got hoods
Seen a show with Marvin Gaye last night, it had me shook
Drinkin peppermint Schnapps, with Jackie Wilson, and Sam Cooke
Then some lady named Billie Holiday Sang
sittin there kickin it with Malcolm, 'til the day came Little LaTasha sho' grown
Tell the lady in the liquor that she's forgiven, so come home
Maybe in time you'll understand only God can save us
When Miles Davis cuttin lose with the band
Just think of all the people that you knew in the past that passed on, they in heaven, found peace at last
Picture a place that they exist, together
There has to be a place better than this, in heaven
So right before I sleep, dear God, what I'm askin
Remember this face, save me a place, in thug's mansion" - 2Pac

Thanks...

To all of you out there that have been giving me that moral support, though I might have played it cool and seemed unphased by it all here is a little musical dedication (Mae, Kola, Faya, Brotha Iman, Samir, Chris, Yanyan and all the very few out there that know what I'm really going through) : Bill Withers - 'Make A Smile For Me' 

That song represents my state of mind right about now. Don't get choked up now, lol! And on this note, here's that quote! 
Peace (in the deepest sense of the word!) 

"But even still a good samaritan is Z-Ro's way 
And with that Christian attitude I caught a homeboy case 
I done took too many blows, a punchin bag is how I feel 
The deep depression starts to set, sanity's outta here 
I start my mission tryin to find my fate CDC #4 in name 
I'm feelin oh-so-helpless in this place 
I want revenge it's heavy on my mind but ain't central 
Say don't fight evil with evil, try to relax and do yo' time 
I heard a voice say there wasn't no need in actin up 
Realized I wasn't at peace with God and had to patch it up 
Hopin that blessings fall out of the sky 
Z-Ro ain't never seen a man cry until it was his own eye" - Z-Ro

Time will tell... Only time can tell...

I guess one person was actually reading what I was writing.
One complaint... that's one more than I was expecting.

Well times have been rough. Living on the edge, went through a messed up relationship (too good to be true?), lost my cousin George (aka Vicky or aka Spiderman in the breakdancing circuit) on September 1st in Montreal (H-B Blvd). He was going to turn 26 in December. Hit and run, car with an Illinois license plate. Police ain't found shit claiming it's a suicide so I guessed they went and turned the page... "Open and Shut Case Johnson!".
F*ck Them, just one less n!gga to deal with I guess. A mother lost her only son, sisters a brother, we lost a beloved family member, and many others lost a great friend. God Forgives... I don't! F*ck all y'all... F*ck the police... F*ck the media... F*ck me for sounding this retarded... Hope to God nothing this bad happens to you or anybody out there.

"Yo...on The Amen, Corner I stood lookin at my former hood
Felt the spirit in the wind, knew my friend was gone for good
Threw dirt on the casket, the hurt, I couldn't mask it
Mixin down emotions, struggle I hadn't mastered
I choreograph seven steps to heaven
And hell, waiting to exhale and make the bread leavened" - Common

"You killed my man, you killed my man
And you sent him back
After this day, watch your hats
Slugs flying everywhere,
You could smell havoc in the air
You can never get the god, yeah" - Ghostface Killah

P.S.: now that you have him God.. please don't stop his ascencion.

They threw a party for me!!!

June 17th... More than a month after my birthday, friends & family threw a surprise party for me. That was the Illest thing they could have done for me coz they really caught me good. No joke. Look on my face was priceless from what they say. It's one thing to know ur loved by some. But it's another when you get proof of that love when you never asked for it coz you never doubted it for one second. I'll remember this for the rest of my life. Wish you could be there.

"I think we at a all-time high
To get there, we run, we fly, we drive
Cause with my family we know we're home
And so instead of sendin flowers, we the roses" - Kanye West

"But if I fall asleep and death takes me away
Don't be surprised son, I wasn't put here to stay
At night the evil armies of Shaton don't play
So the family sticks together and we never betray" - Fugees

Dreams vol. 1 no. 1

Had this dream last night: I was told my father had died due to some medication he was taking. I went to the hospital looking for answers and hoping to see his body to make sure it was true. As I got the hospital, I asked to see the coroner or the way to the morgue, nobody would pay attention to me or answer my questions. Frustrated out of my mind, I went outsite and went on the roof of the building facing the hospital. I started running teeth clenched, mad out of my mind and jumped towards the hospital. In mid air I actually thought I might not make it, but I eventually landed a couple of floors over the hospital entrance. Once I landed, I tried to break a window and start looking for my father. As I was about to kick through the glass, a bunch of guys jumped through it and started fighting me. Giving me a beat down, could barely stop hits. Thats when I woke up... ran out of my bedroom and saw my dad in the basement with some uncles & cousins there. I came behind my dad as he was sitting and put my arm around him, my hand on his heart, telling him I had dreamt he had died. He kept on talking to the others... Thats when I really woke up. This got me perplexed so I checked the meaning of it all:
+To dream that your father is dead, forewarns that you need to proceed with caution in conducting your business.
+To see a hospital in your dream, symbolizes your need to heal or improve your physical or mental heath. You need to get back to the flow of everyday life.
+To question something in your dream, signifies your suspicions toward a love one.
+To ask a question in your dream, foretells that you will strive to attain the truth.
+To dream that you are jumping, indicates that you need to take a risk and go for it. You will find progress toward your goals
+To dream that you are fighting to the death, indicates that you are unwilling to acknowledge a waking conflict or your own inner turmoil. You are unwilling and refusing to change your old attitudes and habits.
+To dream that you are dreaming, signifies your emotional state. You are excessively worried and fearful about a situation or circumstance that you are going through.
+To dream that you are waking up in your dream, indicates that something is missing or lacking in your life. There is an aspect of your life that you are not utilizing to its fullest potential. You are not recognizing your abilities.
+To see your father in your dream, symbolizes authority and protection. It suggests that you need to be more self-reliant. Consider also your waking relationship with your father.
+To have a visitor in your dream, signifies good news will reach you. It also foretells of new conditions or changes.
+To see your cousin in your dream, represents something or some aspect of your character that is somewhat familiar. Perhaps you need to spend more time in cultivating and developing some emerging ability or character.
+To see an uncle in your dream, represents some aspect of your family heritage and traits. It may also symbolize new ideas and emerging awareness.
+To dream that you are hugging someone, symbolizes your loving and caring nature. You are holding someone or something close to your heart. Alternatively, it may indicate your need to be more affectionate. ... This dream says alot about me and my current state. I can't take this for granted. Need to fix things. Need to fix myself...

"I never sleep, cause sleep is the cousin of death
Beyond the walls of intelligence, life is defined" - Nas

Hold me down

Somebody better hold me down coz a bunch of people got me pissed. This is what happens when u let people walk over you, when u open up to them, when they got u thinking ur in a safe place, ur skin isn't as thick, u get vulnerable, u keep ur guards down. U get sucker punched. U fall. Hopefully u get back up & live another day.

"(They keep telling me this and telling me that)
They smile in my face then they talk behind my back
But what they lack is the facts about my stats
My rap impact will kill you softly like Roberta Flack"