How I feel... Defined by Lyrics Vol. 5, No. 3

All I do is give and peeps take. I got all I need but nothing I really want. Am I being greedy when I should just be happy?

Maybe I'm just ranting coz I didn't get a single Christmas present this year (that is till my parents hook me up with a lil something when they get back in town...). It shouldn't matter, but I think it kind of hurts deep inside.

"I put my problems in box beside my tightest rhymes
On a lock and key, buried deep of in my mind
And when it gets too full, and I can't close the lid
I spaz on my family and my closest friends
Trade my materials for a peace of mind
Im so close to Heaven, Hell I need some time" - Big K.R.I.T.

I feel like I take alot for granted though others say I'm very thoughtful...

"I'm a fucking walking paradox, no I'm not" - Tyler The Creator

Am I just undermining myself? Over thinking? Feel like this year as been all about work and no play (unless it's family, I'll take time off for the folks that are loyal to me).

"No life, no marriage, no kids... No problem!?!" - Jimmy McNulty 'The Wire'
=D
"Boooy you need something outside of this here [...] A life Jimmy! You know what that is? It's the shit that happens while you're waiting for moments that never come" - Lester Freamon 'The Wire'
:'(

I need a life...

Happy Holidays!

How I feel... Defined by Lyrics Vol. 5, No. 2

Met a girl...

"Developing a name, creepin to fame
She quick to trade her vagina for a seat at the game
And its so foul she don’t see the shame
In the act or the fact that she view it as an equal exchange
She stay with the newest on, louis vuitton
Buying groceries with coupons, sleeping on a futon
No self-esteem to cover her lack of confidence
She get on twitter retweetin’ all the compliments
Pretty face, nice strut with a nice butt
Disguise of a slut only tryin to get wifed up
But when its party time she won’t be a second late
Once she leaves V.I.P. its back home to section eight
What confused me
Is niggas tried to kick it, but she come across bougie
In her best friends jewelry, part-time mother
But something real shady when her 2 year old daughter
Much closer to the babysitter
Cry when she alone, product of a broke down home
Won’t change cause she already grown
Already set in her ways no need in tryin to help
Cause she rather find wealth before she can find herself" - Joe Budden

Though she doesn't fit the profile 100%, this song most def opened my eyes as to who she might be... Now tell me why I went and still fell in love... And I can't get her out of my mind...

Though we never actually got past a friendship

"bumpin Ludacris, 'Child Of The Night' was well put
why is everything so BAD for me FEEL so GOOOOODDDD" - Joe Budden

How I feel... Defined by Lyrics Vol. 5, No. 1.5

My dad is fine...
"VICTORY!!!!" - Johnny Drama

How I feel... Defined by Lyrics Vol. 5, No. 1

Happy belated New Year!

The one that passed was a good one for me in terms of people I met, dealing with the family and finally moving out into my own spot... The joys of falling up!

"dream bout that crib with the Goodyear swing
on the oak tree, I hope we feel like this forever
Forever, forever, ever, forever, ever?" - Outkast

But this year starts on a bad note as my father came up to me and told me 2 days ago that after getting an x-ray, his doctor stated it might be a tumor...

"you play whatever cards he deal no matter how peculiar
they tell me that its God's will, I'm asking God 'will ya?'" - J. Cole

I froze... Now it's not confirmed yet, but let's just say I spent 2 days seriously out of it... Not mentioning it to anybody else, keeping this pain and fear inside. I tried my best to replace it with prayers and hope, but it's hard. I always think too much... seeing different scenarios in my mind, visualizing my reactions, the outcomes, re-evaluating life in general.

"I say my prayers cause this life ain't fair" - J. Cole

We won't get news until Tuesday when my father has to go for an MRI to confirm whether or not it is a fact a tumor.

"yea, lets see God
I know you only do whats best for me
but is it cool if we negotiate my destiny" - Omen

I'm trying to stay focused until then this is how I feel :



5 days to go...

How I feel... Defined by Lyrics Vol. 4, No. 1

This whole song describes how I feel :

"Trapped, no shield, no sword
The unbeaten path got my soul so sore
Allured by the lust, something money can't cure
The Devil want me as is, but God he want more
Eyes closed, eyes open, great another day, here we go
like a nigga woke up late in The Truman Show"

I walk alone!

In the words of Clay Davis... Shhheeeeiiiiiiiitttttttttt! (The Wire reference... if you've never seen the show before... you will die an unhappy death :))

How I feel... Defined by Lyrics Vol. 3, No. 12

Sometimes... if not most times, I feel this way :



My intentions are good, please try to understand me...

How I feel... Defined by Lyrics Vol. 3, No. 8

"You’re the first thing I would choose,
but the last thing I need.
Girl I’m stuck on you,
it’s so hard to set me free.
You’re the first thing I would choose,
but the last thing I need.
You’re a liar." - Madcon

I watched these videos (below) and it made me think about my past relationships... Made me realize that I have had good moments(still all overshadowed by the worst moments!), but no great relationships. In all of them I have either been cheated (on), lied to and/or taken adventage of... but they all said that I was a great guy at some point... One even went to the extent of lying about her life just to make herself sound more interesting to me... I fell for it... hmmmm...

"You was cheatin' (yes you was), caught you creepin' (yes I did)
To the window, to the wall, skeet-skeetin' (you triflin' hoe)" - Percy Miracles (aka Phonte)

Might as well laugh about it...

Part 1



Part 2



It feels weird sometimes when you fully understand how someone feels when u watch television, especially when it's not comedy or someone expressing views on subjects like politics... but when u watch someone and simply understand the raw feelings without having them verbally expressing it.

That's what u get when you're a sucka 4 love!

"Don't it seem like shit be cool for a month and a half
All of a sudden you frontin' and showin your ass
Complainin' bout what you got
Shorty look what you had
Before me, it was pull-out couches and Bilitant bags
Now she mad cause she ain't got a T.V. in her Jag
I tell you what if that ain't good enough get back on the bus
Give up the princess cuts and the Prada and stuff
I take you out to eat and you order a bottle of what?
Ungrateful wonderin' why I'm not faithful
Ballin's all good but this shit is just wasteful
Want me to pay your bills
Help you get a bigger crib
Shorty I don't mind helpin'
But show some initiative
Ain't brought nothin' to the table but hard times and heartache
Do something, get on the grind for God's sake
A reminder, rewind this message from your highness
For those that chose to take my kindness for blindness" - T.I.

Damn she's ungrateful

How I feel... Defined by Lyrics Vol. 3, No. 7

"And foreva be in debt, that's neva a good thing" - Jay-Z

BIG FAT ZERO!

Holla at ya boy! After 5 years of strugglin', crumblin' under debt (35K$ not counting interest payed throughout the years) imposed on me by these leeches, bitches & so-called family members, drowning in the depth of my darkest thoughts, I am now OFFICIALLY DEBT-FREE.

"I was a dick who got jerked by Tom and his boys
came on my land, seized my cattle, and catalog
as if it wouldn't leave me less than coy
but I'm far from bitter even farther from quittin'
got a grind date to make, no time for sittin'" - De La Soul

Made the last payments today and now this brotha got big zeros on his credit card and credit margin!

"When I woke up, my debt went down
My locks broke up, my rent went down
My stocks went up, my car sped up
My pockets swell up, my life I found
I'm not so fed up it's time to get up
A clear mind switched my life around
Now I can see where the help is at
The health love awareness and wealth is at
Cause I woke up..." - KRS-One

I learned my lesson, no more shall I fall for the "my credit was so pathetic I couldn't afford a debit" lines from anybody. It's all about me now and forever more.

"Give us this day, our daily bread
As we give up our debts
As we forgive our debt-ors
Lead us not into temptation
but deliver us, unevil"

Grind Date fulfilled! Thank you Hip Hop!

How I feel... Defined by Lyrics Vol. 3, No. 6

just came back from playing wingman for a friend...

"I've got an eye out for she who cries out passionately
We'll do things backwardly, forwardly, horizontally
I'm too young to be settling down
quick to change my mind tomorrow" - Outkast

spent an hour in the club... I realized I ain't cut for this ish no more, felt out of place the whole night. Felt old and surpassed by events and trends... 28 yrs old...

"Now I'm feeling out of touch like I'm two steps behind" - Classified

I feel like settling down is the way to go...

"Critics and fans, they need to get a life
You doin' the right thing, settle down, get a wife now
I grew with you so you know you make me proud
And most of all you gotta live now" - Nas

but... lil' detail, I don't have the chick for it to happen...

"Mrs. So-Fly crash-lands in my room
Can't waste no time, she might leave soon
[...]
I wish this song would really come true
I admit I still fantasize about you" - Kanye West

In the mean time concentrating so much on work and getting blamed for it...

"I got plans,
I got a certain lust for life,
And as it stands,
Everything is going as right,
As it can,
They tryin' to shoot down my flight,
Before it lands" - Drake

I'm just being me and get blamed for it...

"Why they always looking at me, like there's something on my face man
No matter where I go, I'm always feeling out of place
And I know I'm not your regular I got a different taste
Probably 'cause most my life, spent right in my basement
I didn't watch the Super Bowl, don't drink alcohol
Don't carry I.D., don't go to the mall
I'm extra argumentative and really good at fast talk
I can't dance or sing but I can rap my ass off" - Eyedea

No... I can't rap my ass off...

How I feel... Defined by Lyrics Vol. 3, No. 5

"Take a picture, cherish it, I'm God's Son, inherence it" - Nas

Yup, I got it and ready to shoot!!!

How I feel... Defined by Lyrics Vol. 3, No. 4

ah don't sleep much these days, bad habits coming back...

"The night is on my mind
The sun'll still shine
But now the night is on my mind, the night is on the mind
The night is on your mind
A yo, the sun'll still shine
But now the night is on the mind
As for me...

I'm a nocturnal animal, God concentrates" - Q-Tip

How I feel... Defined by Lyrics Vol. 3, No. 2 Redux

"Lord help me out
save my soul need to find a new route
[...]
label me what you like
I'm close to my victory
dosed in the fight
when I open my eyes somehow see at night
beyond trying to see what being rich feel like.
6 figure check for my mom for peace
everybody wanna stick on me like leech
take my blood, give fake love
till I turn em down
I'm the one who changed bruh
ask why I don't call
coz when I was starving you wasn't at all
around. now I gotta shut shit down
Be a man pick friends so selective now
You're cool, You're cool, Fuck you
And to the bitch that *scratch* oh yeah fuck you too
Tried to shine now everyone knows
Yeah Kudi slipped up and loved them hoes
we all make mistakes yes,
no worries I just kill a bitch with success
[...]
No bitch on arm
just my words and my stoner charm
and my dimple's deep
I smile at peeps
coz I went out and got what most y'all seek
[...]
God walks with me but I'm still vexed"

This song pretty much describes how I felt writing a previous post and still feel at this moment ( How I feel... Defined by Lyrics Vol. 3, No. 2).



Things have been at all time lows in my life in the past 5 years (which explains the title of my blog, couldn't fall any lower so could only fall UP from then on... just in case you didn't get it).

Some people liked me better when I was down there.

How I feel... Defined by Lyrics Vol. 3, No. 3

hmm... I had to be reminded on 3 occasions that my birthday was coming... I usually react that way when I am not interested in something... I just don't keep it in memory. Well I had no intention on partying or anything, just turned 28, I done celebrated all I had to celebrate so far in my life. Next step should be getting my house and hopefully the girl I will spend the rest of my life with (yes, in that particular order). But with all that happened to me with my past relationships, I have no trust in women and finding it pretty hard to approach anyone that I remotely like.

Something else I gotta work on I guess...

"The girl he wants don't seem to want him too
It seems the feelings that she had are through, through
[...]
He seems alive, though he is feelin blue.
The sun is shinnin man he’s super cool, cool.
[...]
He's all alone, some things will never change
The lonely loner seem to free his mind at night, ah-ah, at nite" - Kid Cudi

How I feel... Defined by Lyrics Vol. 3, No. 2

So it seems I changed...
This is happening sooner than I expected. Well I guess it's true, no apologies as it was necessary. I had to go beyond certain things to make it where I'm at in life. I might have to say no more than 'hi' in this day and time.

I don't expect them to understand at all. They just see it as me thinking I am above them all. That thought never crossed my mind, but I will live with the blame. Peace!

"Though I empathize with 'em
and sympathize with 'em
I don't enterprise with 'em
or synchronize with 'em
we don't strategize with 'em
[...]
we don't fraternize with 'em
let 'em patronize
we don't want no ties with 'em
we won't monopolize with 'em
let them ostrosize
we don't compromise with 'em
we won't victimize with em
commit genocide with 'em
spit they lies with 'em
or objectify women
[...]
socialize with 'em
broke my ties with 'em
now we open eyed in this over hyped system" - Shad

Say Word!

Who would have thought I would have kept this old book of rhymes... which sucked for the most part, but this one here is deep:

The day the sun & the moon met
They kept us all in the dark
Blinding passion, can't help but watch
Throw you off balance then its gone
Years again before they meet again
Relive a passion that comes and leaves again
That passes but that never ends
Sometimes in the same picture
Panoramic far away here comes the day
Opposite sides of the spectrum
Just to show us the way
Night & Day
No Play
-22-02-05

Didn't end it well though, but y'all get the whole concept right, day & night, meet every some years like a solar eclipse which causes darkness... I was ahead of my time... Sign me.

How I feel... Defined by Lyrics Vol. 2, No. 9

"Yesterday was better off, didn't even know it" - Joe Budden

Yesterday I found a card that my godfather had sent me for christmas. It brought back some sweet memories... My greatest fear has always been to forget and as I get older... 27... er yeah... I tend to reminisce a lot on the past these days. Flashbacks are starting to ressurface at the oddest moments. Smells, words, songs, colours, voices just seem to trigger it all and then I zone out...

"Wow, I need a moment y'all
See I almost felt a tear drop" - Nas

I'm starting to think it can't be healthy for me to live in the past, but how do I embrace it without being obsessed with it... I'm a fiend, everything I like, I end up doing in excess... That's why I knew better than to try drugs... yeah I know, people still have a hard time believing that I never even had a puff before... in this day and age...

"Yesterday belongs to the dead
Tomorrow belongs to the living
The past is certified as a finished product
Anything which has ended is finished
That which is perfect is finished" - Madlib

Maybe that's it... Maybe I was born in the wrong age, maybe that's why I often feel like I don't always fit here... now. Maybe it would explain that I sometimes feel out of sync with most people my age... or maybe it's just me...

"I ask myself what does it mean if you are different
but I am the answer" - Charles Hamilton

I guess I will have to find a just balance between past, present and future...
Keeping the wisdom & memories of the past, living in the present & planning and looking forward to my future... now if I could just get that living in the present part to work out...

"memories dont live like people do
They always 'member you
Whether things are good or bad
Its just the memories that you have
The beenie man a sing (say hey)
Boy stop live down inna de past
Just member when man a ride 'orse
Now yuh dead that mean yuh soul lost" - Beenie Man

Well one day, as I was thinking of the past and the influential people in my life that passed away, I wasted a part of my present, at the time, to make this little bootleg montage...

Hope you can find the time to put a comment...

Fade to 'T.R.O.Y.' by Pete Rock & CL Smooth....

Makings of the "Perfect Chick"... Defined by Lyrics

You know those chats we have sometimes when we talk about which chick we would rather be with (TLC & Destiny's Child had our imaginations flowing). Ghostface Killah had a whole skit on his Supreme Clientele album going back and forth with his crew (Kim or Fox, Eve or Da Brat, Missy or Bahamadia, Naomi or Tyra, Nia or Halle...lol funny as hell).

Knowing I might not get a chance to hook up with Halle or Alicia Keys and ask her to marry me (unless I get passed security when she comes here in June), here is my list of lyrics that make up the perfect chick.

She has to be real :

"Its been a while, I can't front like I ain't phased
She was my reality check, cuz we the same age
I mean she put on a show that you CAN'T stage
She made the shit sound effortless" - Joe Budden

be naturally sexy :

"I'm the type of guy that notice subtle signs
When I cuddle mine, she ain't even tryin
To look sexy, but even if she was so what" - Outkast

She has to be able to generate her own cash coz u know how it is "You can have anything in this world except CREAM" lol :

"I-n-d-e-p-e-n-d-e-n-t do you know what that mean
She got to her own house
She got her own car
Two jobs work hard you a bad broad
If you aint on sit down" - Webbie (yeah that ugly mofo... but this hook describes what I mean)

A nice complexion, but color ain't an issue as long as she doesn't have an issue with it (even Captain Kirk bagged a nice green skinned chick!) :

"French-vanilla, butter-pecan, chocolate-deluxe
Even caramel sundaes is gettin touched
And scooped in my ice cream truck, Wu tears it up" - Method Man

"I don't discriminate, I regulate every shade of the a$$" - Big Pun

a bit of self-sacrifice in her loyalty :

"And if the rain stops
And everything's dry
She would cry
Just so I can drink the tears from her eyes" - Lupe Fiasco

(To be updated...)