How I feel... Defined by Lyrics Vol. 5, No. 3

All I do is give and peeps take. I got all I need but nothing I really want. Am I being greedy when I should just be happy?

Maybe I'm just ranting coz I didn't get a single Christmas present this year (that is till my parents hook me up with a lil something when they get back in town...). It shouldn't matter, but I think it kind of hurts deep inside.

"I put my problems in box beside my tightest rhymes
On a lock and key, buried deep of in my mind
And when it gets too full, and I can't close the lid
I spaz on my family and my closest friends
Trade my materials for a peace of mind
Im so close to Heaven, Hell I need some time" - Big K.R.I.T.

I feel like I take alot for granted though others say I'm very thoughtful...

"I'm a fucking walking paradox, no I'm not" - Tyler The Creator

Am I just undermining myself? Over thinking? Feel like this year as been all about work and no play (unless it's family, I'll take time off for the folks that are loyal to me).

"No life, no marriage, no kids... No problem!?!" - Jimmy McNulty 'The Wire'
=D
"Boooy you need something outside of this here [...] A life Jimmy! You know what that is? It's the shit that happens while you're waiting for moments that never come" - Lester Freamon 'The Wire'
:'(

I need a life...

Happy Holidays!

How I feel... Defined by Lyrics Vol. 5, No. 2

Met a girl...

"Developing a name, creepin to fame
She quick to trade her vagina for a seat at the game
And its so foul she don’t see the shame
In the act or the fact that she view it as an equal exchange
She stay with the newest on, louis vuitton
Buying groceries with coupons, sleeping on a futon
No self-esteem to cover her lack of confidence
She get on twitter retweetin’ all the compliments
Pretty face, nice strut with a nice butt
Disguise of a slut only tryin to get wifed up
But when its party time she won’t be a second late
Once she leaves V.I.P. its back home to section eight
What confused me
Is niggas tried to kick it, but she come across bougie
In her best friends jewelry, part-time mother
But something real shady when her 2 year old daughter
Much closer to the babysitter
Cry when she alone, product of a broke down home
Won’t change cause she already grown
Already set in her ways no need in tryin to help
Cause she rather find wealth before she can find herself" - Joe Budden

Though she doesn't fit the profile 100%, this song most def opened my eyes as to who she might be... Now tell me why I went and still fell in love... And I can't get her out of my mind...

Though we never actually got past a friendship

"bumpin Ludacris, 'Child Of The Night' was well put
why is everything so BAD for me FEEL so GOOOOODDDD" - Joe Budden

How I feel... Defined by Lyrics Vol. 5, No. 1.5

My dad is fine...
"VICTORY!!!!" - Johnny Drama

How I feel... Defined by Lyrics Vol. 5, No. 1

Happy belated New Year!

The one that passed was a good one for me in terms of people I met, dealing with the family and finally moving out into my own spot... The joys of falling up!

"dream bout that crib with the Goodyear swing
on the oak tree, I hope we feel like this forever
Forever, forever, ever, forever, ever?" - Outkast

But this year starts on a bad note as my father came up to me and told me 2 days ago that after getting an x-ray, his doctor stated it might be a tumor...

"you play whatever cards he deal no matter how peculiar
they tell me that its God's will, I'm asking God 'will ya?'" - J. Cole

I froze... Now it's not confirmed yet, but let's just say I spent 2 days seriously out of it... Not mentioning it to anybody else, keeping this pain and fear inside. I tried my best to replace it with prayers and hope, but it's hard. I always think too much... seeing different scenarios in my mind, visualizing my reactions, the outcomes, re-evaluating life in general.

"I say my prayers cause this life ain't fair" - J. Cole

We won't get news until Tuesday when my father has to go for an MRI to confirm whether or not it is a fact a tumor.

"yea, lets see God
I know you only do whats best for me
but is it cool if we negotiate my destiny" - Omen

I'm trying to stay focused until then this is how I feel :



5 days to go...

How I feel... Defined by Lyrics Vol. 4, No. 1

This whole song describes how I feel :

"Trapped, no shield, no sword
The unbeaten path got my soul so sore
Allured by the lust, something money can't cure
The Devil want me as is, but God he want more
Eyes closed, eyes open, great another day, here we go
like a nigga woke up late in The Truman Show"

I walk alone!

In the words of Clay Davis... Shhheeeeiiiiiiiitttttttttt! (The Wire reference... if you've never seen the show before... you will die an unhappy death :))

Quotes Vol. 3, No 1

First post of the year... almost 8 months deep already...

Well I'm officially a homeowner, 1200 sq ft of empty space though all to my lonely self

emptiness surrounding me...

"Existing where there is nothing is the meaning of the phrase 'form is emptiness'. That all things are provided by nothingness is the meaning of the phrase 'emptiness is form'. One should not think that these are two separate things." - Hagakure

Don't get me wrong I'm happy of my accomplishment, but damn it's lonely.

Training Progress Vol. 2 No. 001

This is my 3rd, 4th, or 8th attempt at getting fit lol.

But this time around, I have P90X to help me get fit. Plus my cousin did it and actually got results, now it's time for me to get back on track!

I'm already on Day 3 of my work out... that's 87 days to go... O_o

Day 1 was Chest and Back which was cool but still hard and to that add the Ab Ripper X which was harder (especially when you can't keep up lol), but I was good.

Day 2 was Plyometrics... lets just say this 1hr work out took me just about 2 hours lol. Went to sleep and I woke up 13 hours later... Horton did say this was the 'X' in P90X!

Day 3 was alot better, achieved what I was aiming for with the Shoulders and Arms + another round of Ab Ripper X (I still can't keep up but I feel the burn lol).

I'm gonna stick to it this time!

Keep fit and have fun!

How I feel... Defined by Lyrics Vol. 3, No. 12

Sometimes... if not most times, I feel this way :



My intentions are good, please try to understand me...

Quotes Vol. 2, No. 7

Words of wisdom :
"mas é a sensacao que conta em tudo ....
o que levamos dessa vida... é a vida que vivemos....
e para mim... tudo se resume em termos boas sensacoes... experiencias unicas...." - Marcia do Amaral on 18-11-2009

In other words :
"It is the sensation that counts in everything.... What we take from life... is the life that we live. ... And for me... everything is summarized in terms of good sensations... unique experiences...."
(broken translation, still brushing up on my portuguese)

How I feel... Defined by Lyrics Vol. 3, No. 11

Today I learned Fido deleted all my saved voicemail messages... They said they couldn't do anything about it.

Two of these messages were from my cousin Vicky, one telling me to wake up, the other wishing me happy birthday... I'm in tears (RIP Vicky)...

Here is another regret to add to the already long list... I should have recorded those messages...

I'm sorry cousin...

How I feel... Defined by Lyrics Vol. 3, No. 10

I always take time to think about the past, but sometimes it's not volontarily. One word, sound, taste or smell can trigger a memory, good or bad.

This was the case today with the video added below. As I was watching MuchVibe it came up and just blew me away. Brought me back to the days where I was depressed outta my mind... sad times, but happy I overcame them. I just know that if you relate to this song, you should seek help ASAP, whether it be talking to a friend, a family member, a professional therapist or a suicide/depression hotline. The deeper you fall into it, the harder it is to get out of it. Let's all rise!

Mood music, take a look :



Keep your chin up!
Peace!

Quotes Vol. 2, No. 6

"Many times..Depression come from lack of expression.. express yourself!" - Rev Run

Rev Run is dropping wisdom on the regular on Twitter, Check him out there.

How I feel... Defined by Lyrics Vol. 3, No. 9

"You know what I really wanna know?
Where do all the good girls go
What clubs they hang in?
[...]
Candy-coated unicorns are quite hard to find
The classic lady, a rare breed indeed
Is that make and model discontinued?
[...]
You're not extra, you're so plain Jane
The yin to my yang, darlin'
You've got that thang and you know it
But yet you don't and that's what's so cool
You don't say too much, but when you do it's profound
In the street you hold your head high
At home you get low down for me
[...]
Sad, but one day our kids will have to visit museums
To see what a lady looks like
So if you find one, I beg you, hold her tight
If you spot one, good sir, treat her right
This is Benjamin Andre signing off
Thanks a million
Good luck and goodnight" - Outkast

... Still can't find her... so... to those generic girls that think they are special because their mamas told 'em so walking around with inflated egos I says :

"She wants to be my lady but I don't see her
She wants to be my lady but I'm a free bird
I gotta be by myself, gotta be by myself this time
I gotta fly by myself, go get high by myself this time" - Asher Roth

Nuff said.

P.S.: I don't get high unless it's with good music... lame huh? lol :'(

Quotes Vol. 2, No. 5

True words:

"The trouble with the world is that the stupid are cocksure and the intelligent are full of doubt." - Bertrand Russell

How I feel... Defined by Lyrics Vol. 3, No. 8

"You’re the first thing I would choose,
but the last thing I need.
Girl I’m stuck on you,
it’s so hard to set me free.
You’re the first thing I would choose,
but the last thing I need.
You’re a liar." - Madcon

I watched these videos (below) and it made me think about my past relationships... Made me realize that I have had good moments(still all overshadowed by the worst moments!), but no great relationships. In all of them I have either been cheated (on), lied to and/or taken adventage of... but they all said that I was a great guy at some point... One even went to the extent of lying about her life just to make herself sound more interesting to me... I fell for it... hmmmm...

"You was cheatin' (yes you was), caught you creepin' (yes I did)
To the window, to the wall, skeet-skeetin' (you triflin' hoe)" - Percy Miracles (aka Phonte)

Might as well laugh about it...

Part 1



Part 2



It feels weird sometimes when you fully understand how someone feels when u watch television, especially when it's not comedy or someone expressing views on subjects like politics... but when u watch someone and simply understand the raw feelings without having them verbally expressing it.

That's what u get when you're a sucka 4 love!

"Don't it seem like shit be cool for a month and a half
All of a sudden you frontin' and showin your ass
Complainin' bout what you got
Shorty look what you had
Before me, it was pull-out couches and Bilitant bags
Now she mad cause she ain't got a T.V. in her Jag
I tell you what if that ain't good enough get back on the bus
Give up the princess cuts and the Prada and stuff
I take you out to eat and you order a bottle of what?
Ungrateful wonderin' why I'm not faithful
Ballin's all good but this shit is just wasteful
Want me to pay your bills
Help you get a bigger crib
Shorty I don't mind helpin'
But show some initiative
Ain't brought nothin' to the table but hard times and heartache
Do something, get on the grind for God's sake
A reminder, rewind this message from your highness
For those that chose to take my kindness for blindness" - T.I.

Damn she's ungrateful

Quotes Vol. 2, No. 4

“I come from a hut, from a hut I went to the projects, from the projects I went to a mansion so you out there you have ABSOLUTLY NO EXCUSE!” – Wyclef Jean

Quotes Vol. 2, No. 3

"All men dream, but not equally. Those who dream by night in the dusty recesses of their minds, wake in the day to find that it was vanity: but the dreamers of the day are dangerous men, for they may act on their dreams with open eyes, to make them possible." - Thomas E. Lawrence

Makes you think!

Quotes Vol. 2, No. 2

A nice quote, dedicate this one to Michael Jackson :

"What we do for ourselves dies with us. What we do for others and the world remains and is immortal." - Albert Pine

How I feel... Defined by Lyrics Vol. 3, No. 7

"And foreva be in debt, that's neva a good thing" - Jay-Z

BIG FAT ZERO!

Holla at ya boy! After 5 years of strugglin', crumblin' under debt (35K$ not counting interest payed throughout the years) imposed on me by these leeches, bitches & so-called family members, drowning in the depth of my darkest thoughts, I am now OFFICIALLY DEBT-FREE.

"I was a dick who got jerked by Tom and his boys
came on my land, seized my cattle, and catalog
as if it wouldn't leave me less than coy
but I'm far from bitter even farther from quittin'
got a grind date to make, no time for sittin'" - De La Soul

Made the last payments today and now this brotha got big zeros on his credit card and credit margin!

"When I woke up, my debt went down
My locks broke up, my rent went down
My stocks went up, my car sped up
My pockets swell up, my life I found
I'm not so fed up it's time to get up
A clear mind switched my life around
Now I can see where the help is at
The health love awareness and wealth is at
Cause I woke up..." - KRS-One

I learned my lesson, no more shall I fall for the "my credit was so pathetic I couldn't afford a debit" lines from anybody. It's all about me now and forever more.

"Give us this day, our daily bread
As we give up our debts
As we forgive our debt-ors
Lead us not into temptation
but deliver us, unevil"

Grind Date fulfilled! Thank you Hip Hop!

How I feel... Defined by Lyrics Vol. 3, No. 6

just came back from playing wingman for a friend...

"I've got an eye out for she who cries out passionately
We'll do things backwardly, forwardly, horizontally
I'm too young to be settling down
quick to change my mind tomorrow" - Outkast

spent an hour in the club... I realized I ain't cut for this ish no more, felt out of place the whole night. Felt old and surpassed by events and trends... 28 yrs old...

"Now I'm feeling out of touch like I'm two steps behind" - Classified

I feel like settling down is the way to go...

"Critics and fans, they need to get a life
You doin' the right thing, settle down, get a wife now
I grew with you so you know you make me proud
And most of all you gotta live now" - Nas

but... lil' detail, I don't have the chick for it to happen...

"Mrs. So-Fly crash-lands in my room
Can't waste no time, she might leave soon
[...]
I wish this song would really come true
I admit I still fantasize about you" - Kanye West

In the mean time concentrating so much on work and getting blamed for it...

"I got plans,
I got a certain lust for life,
And as it stands,
Everything is going as right,
As it can,
They tryin' to shoot down my flight,
Before it lands" - Drake

I'm just being me and get blamed for it...

"Why they always looking at me, like there's something on my face man
No matter where I go, I'm always feeling out of place
And I know I'm not your regular I got a different taste
Probably 'cause most my life, spent right in my basement
I didn't watch the Super Bowl, don't drink alcohol
Don't carry I.D., don't go to the mall
I'm extra argumentative and really good at fast talk
I can't dance or sing but I can rap my ass off" - Eyedea

No... I can't rap my ass off...